Politicians, mainly the ones who are involved in this harebrained scheme, have been complaining that there are those in the provinces and indeed in the capital itself who are not showing the proper enthusiasm and reverence for the multi-billion pound scheme that is London’s 2012 Olympics. I say piffle, why would we up north possibly not think it’s a great idea when hurtling towards a recession to spend the price of 16 new hospitals on a fucking great stadium and some more London based attractions? As if!

And just to prove my support for the idea, I’ve come up with some more ideas for sports with ‘a British theme’ that I think would make a charming addition to the Olympic schedule:

1) Chav Hunting

Fox hunting was a uniquely British pastime but was rightly banned because foxes have feelings too. So how about chav hunting? No one gives a shit about chavs, they are ten a penny, they smell funny and they aren’t cute and cuddly like foxes. Release a chav in Croyden, Salford or some other rathole and give it ten minutes to run. Then….RELEASE THE HOUNDS! Off go the horses, away go the dogs, feel the excitement and hear the hunting horn competing with the roar of horns from the knocked off Datsuns parked outside Lidl. See the Elizabeth Duke jewellery and fake china shepherdesses go flying as 15 hounds and eight thoroughbreds pursue Jaydon through Kofi Annan House! The winner is the hunter that manages to get the chav in a headlock and remove its fake Rolex and dodgy Burberry cap.

2) Formation Pram Dancing

It’s a little bit like sychronised swimming, but there’s no water and none of the competitors are more than 15 years old. See the sparkle as the sunlight hits the chrome of Kayleigh-Chantelle’s mock Burberry pram. So far Britain has excelled in this sport because it’s the only country with enough teenage mums to be able to be selective, but my, the girls are good, you’ve not lived till you’ve seen their rear axle spin with double nappy reach. Occasionally there’s some rivalry, but Alisha is on a waiting list to have her front teeth replaced and I’m sure she didn’t mean to call Kaytee a slag. Their matching sparkly tracksuits and Rockports have been kindly donated by Jade Goody who was once herself chairman of the Pram Dancing Committee. This year the team are expecting fierce competition from the Russians who are being sponsored by Roman Abramovich, a man who is living proof that Chavdom is not limited to the UK.

3) Fence Hurdling

For this sport the competitor loads up with stolen goods and then sets off across a set of surburban gardens, hurdling fences as they go, with a policeman giving chase. This sport has a handicap system that is worked out using a complicated formula which plots BMI against years served inside, giving a figure in plasma screen TVs and portable electrical equipment. The winner is the thief that manages to get the most stolen gear over the finish line without getting tasered by a policeman.

4) Medal Winning Pickpocketing

This one is very simple. The world’s best competitive tea-leaves (that’s Cockney rhyming slang for ‘thieves’, in case you don’t speak ‘Londoner’) are let loose in the Olympic Village towards the end of the games with the sole intention of lifting medals from the pockets of other athletes. The winner is, of course, the one who manages to get the most gold medals. Expect Michael Phelps to be looking very nervous during this event.

If anyone else has any ideas for sporting events then I’m sure the Olympic committee would love to hear them. If any of them involve dropping Seb Coe out of a plane without any form of parachute, I’m sure they’d be doubly excited. I know I would!

Short Dictionary of Brit Slang Terms:

Piffle: Stupid talk

Chav: Underclass youth who wears cheap designer knock-offs. (specifically sporting goods)

Pram: Baby Stroller

Slag: Whore

Nappy: Diaper

More Articles by Vicola England

• Harmony or Hatred – What's Really Going on in Multicultural Britain? - July 1st, 2010
• The Stoning of Sister Mc Bride - June 30th, 2010
• A Letter to the (British) Department of Health - March 5th, 2010
• What Were They Thinking? - July 29th, 2009
• Swine Flu - Preparedness - Are YOU Ready? - May 1st, 2009
• Madonna ─ Proving that While Money Can't Buy You Happiness, it can Buy You a Child - April 6th, 2009
• Harriet Harmon, Wanker of the Week - February 11th, 2009
• The London Olympics - Let’s Get Involved! - January 1st, 2009
• BRATS - October 1st, 2008
• That Better Not Be a Wrinkle - June 1st, 2008
• Passports, Stupid Subaru and Colds. - May 1st, 2008