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That Better Not Be a Wrinkle Vicola England |
I'm 28. It might not sound very old, but the thing is that it's around this age
that you start noticing that things are changing as you get older, and not
always for the better:
Crinkly Lines
As I was putting on mascara the other day the dog was jumping up and down
trying to catch a fly that was buzzing about just above his head. It was quite
an entertaining sight and it made me smile. As I was smiling I turned back to
the mirror to finish what I was doing and....SHIT. I nearly had a stroke. For
there, around my eyes, where once there was skin as smooth as Vin Diesel's
freshly buffed head, were little crinkly smile lines. When the hell did that
happen? I swear they weren't there the last time I looked, but then maybe I
just don't look that often. So I went out and bought a ridiculously expensive
eye cream which has of course made bugger all difference to anything
except my bank balance. I fear these little lines are here to stay unless I get
myself botoxed and since I've never been a fan of the resulting 'slightly
startled' expression, that is unlikely to happen. Crinkly lines eh? I'm
ancient. I'm going to wake up next month, look in the mirror and discover
that I've become the witch in 'Robin Hood Prince of Thieves'.
Babies
When I was younger people (mainly members of exceedingly tactless
extended family) used to make jokes about "So, when are you going to start
having babies, eh?". Now they aren't joking. One person even informed me
that as I was 28 and married, I'd better make a decision soon - tick, tock,
tick, tock, and all that. Honestly, how rude. Do I walk into their living room
and ask them when they last had a screaming orgasm or whether they've
had a dump this morning? No, that would be far too personal. So why is that
just because I'm a married woman in my late 20s, people feel it's okay to
make enquiries about my reproductive plans? And the next person to ask
me why I bothered to get married if I'm not planning to have babies is going
to find out exactly why my wrath is feared throughout the land. Sometimes I
feel like going out wearing a badge, "I've not decided not to have babies,
I've just not made my mind up yet."
The other distressing thing is if you haven't had a baby by 28, it would seem
that you are an island of barrenness in an ocean of fertility. In other words,
all your friends have got themselves sprogged up. There are now 4 of us,
determinedly clinging on to the old ways and keeping hold of our child free
status and for us, the world of childbirth, breast feeding, weaning, and potty
training, seems like an alien and terrifying place. It's so much easier just to
have a dog. Social Services don't object if you leave it in the house while you
go to the pub and it's easier to know what to say in a conversation about dog
training. I have no idea what is the correct comment to make when someone
informs me that little Johnny did his first solid poo today. What? Eh? Is that
good? A friend of mine did for a while take to sending me text updates on
how her babies bowels were functioning and I never did work out why.
Memories
It wasn't until someone I went to uni with made a comment the other day
that I realised it's ten years since I started uni. Where in the hell did TEN
WHOLE YEARS go? It doesn't feel like ten years, I still remember some of
it (the less drunken bits) quite clearly, so how can it be ten years? But it is.
1998 I started at Lancaster. Holy crap, I'm turning into my grandmother, "It
seems like only yesterday when I was in the WAAF," she used to say,
"Don't be ridiculous, it was 50 years ago," I used to think. Scarily, I am
beginning to understand where she was coming from.
Fashion
This is one of the most telling ways to work out if you are getting old. Take
the latest boy fashion - those jeans that hang so far down their arse that you
can see at least three quarters of their designer boxer shorts. Do you think,
"Wow, great boxers, he's wearing those really well," or do you think, "For
goodness sakes, young man, pull your bloody trousers up, you look
ridiculous and you can't possibly be able to walk properly with the crotch of
your trousers round your knees.".Anyone care to guess which category I
fall into? Yep, you got it. I absolutely itch to hitch their trousers up to the
proper level. And when you see girls in those leggings that are so ‘in’ at the
moment. does anyone else think "Blimey, I remember the first time those
were in, back in the 80s?” I am no longer in touch with the latest fashion it
would seem, which possibly isn't a bad thing, as I'm far too old to wear the
latest fashion without looking like an escaped lunatic or a prostitute.
It would definitely seem that I'm getting older, and there's nothing I can do
about the fact. There's only one thing for it - I'm going to have to grow old
disgracefully. If you can't beat it, you might as well enjoy it.
June 2008
email this writer with your thoughts on aging at: vicolaengland@harlotssauce.com and we may publish your response in our next issue. |
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